So I was thinking about the whole phrase, “I’m over it.” I mean…I say that about kids at school, house work, the commute from Newport News to Richmond, and people repetitively bothering me in the same ways. I also use the phrase to emotionally distance myself from, well, anything that really hurts my feelings. I just assume that I can stop caring or just, quite literally, “not know how much I can possibly care anymore” so I say that I’m over it until I figure out how to deal.
Today, however, I really wondered why that would mean that the opposite is that you’re “under” something. I mean, when things are going well, that person isn’t annoying you, students are quietly and successfully completing independent work independently, the drive is beautiful with the fall colors on the trees, and you’re in the mood to clean would you really say that you’re under something? Not me. Frankly, I’m under something right now…and I don’t mean a good witch’s spell. I don’t mean a love spell (although my husband has been exceptionally amazing) and I don’t mean a shady tree relaxing.
When I’m upset and “overwhelmed” I feel like I’m “under it”. Yes, either under a big pile of crap, or more often, under water. My greatest fear is drowning. Literally. I’m not a great swimmer. I hate the feel of water in any body part in which it does not belong. For example, I clean my ears for probably at least a minute a piece. Seriously. I hate water in my ears. I also hate water in my nose. I also hate water from pools/oceans in my throat. I mean, it’s gross. Sidenote: I drink 72 oz of regular water a day. I love to drink regular water. I guess it’s the fact that I’ve never been a good swimmer but, I really do fear drowning. Yes. Fire is a close second. Very close. This week I have been drowning. Well, for the last two weeks I’ve been drowning. For the two months before that? Treading water (I’m also terrible at that- no stamina).
I have a huge to-do list. I was telling my lovely friend Greg about my to-do list earlier and he asked me if it was a bucket list. Doesn’t it seem that way sometimes? My lovely friend, Stephanie over at Walking on Rainbows spoke my mind and heart as she talked about last night’s episode of The Biggest Loser. You can read the whole Biggest Loser analogy on her blog. She’s 100% right that Jillian said, “You just ran a 12. You came in here running an 8. Now you know you can run a 12. So, what’s changed? Nothing. You just got out of your own way.”
Jealous. Not only because I’m not getting my butt kicked by Jillian Michaels. But, I’m also jealous that I can’t seem to get out of my own way.
So here’s my current to-do list:
-get through Odyssey weekend (parents’ meeting tomorrow, finish putting together coach’s paperwork & binder, pray real hard, encourage my amazing kids, pray real hard, and eventually get sleep)
-clean my house
-figure out paint for some rooms
-clean my classroom once OotM is over
-shop for some registry stuff to finally close it out
-thrift & antique (I realize that sounds like fun, but I also need to schedule more day trips with my husband)
-go see my amazing friend Hannah (in March)
-plan ahead for a majority of the rest of the year so I don’t feel so “overwhelmed”
-start working out (soon-please let P90X be somewhat like Jillian kicking my butt)
-start having some quiet time for meandJesus already!
-put my husband first instead of me always being first, by default, because of an awful schedule
-work on recycling programs at work
-be a better friend
-be a better teammate
-sleep again for enjoyment instead of because I’m literally too exhausted to sit up.
The most frustrating thing? I feel like, from the outside, nobody would think that I’m working hard enough at any of these things to be overwhelmed. I’m learning that I’m not. Having too much to do makes it hard to be
good mediocre at anything. I really just miss feeling like I’m good at something. I’m not trying to say that I have amazing confidence or self-esteem, but I used to feel like I was pretty decent at some things. These days, not so much. I wish I were in college…or sick. I know that sounds stupid. In college (or when I’m sick and on “anti-drowsy” meds) I could stay up all night and get things done and then finally sleep when everything was over and feel better because things were accomplished. I want one of those days. I want to stay up and do laundry, clean, plan, check papers, and get ready for OotM by Saturday…then stay up Saturday and clean and plan until it’s all done, go to work Monday, and come home with a clean slate and sleep Monday night and get into my regular routine. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Stay up for 3 days, face next week completely finished? Don’t get me wrong. I totally understand that there will always be more. There will always be more work, more projects that I’ll say “yes” to (and I don’t have nearly the problem saying “no” that I used to), and more “emergencies or things that feel like emergencies at the time. But still. If I did this little strange fatigue-filled experiment then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I was under water. Maybe I’d finally feel like I was over the hump.
Which begs the question, would I rather be over the hump, or just over it?
I guess we’ll see. Maybe I’ll be caught up…by spring break. 36 days. Or maybe not.