OK so, there really isn’t anything to update, physically. No, we’re not pregnant. For one, my mom would kill me if I posted about it before telling her. For two, There would already have been more exclamation marks in the first two sentences of this post and the title. You’d know.
Somehow this week I stumbled upon a new blog. It’s called Barren to Beautiful. Obviously it was about barrenness at some point. I haven’t had time to dive *too* far into the archives, but I was immediately intrigued. In fact, the post I read wasn’t about barrenness or infertility at all. I couldn’t tell you where I started. But I found all kinds of great posts on feeling barren both physically and emotionally. Right up my alley. The first page I actively sought was this. It was very intense for me because, infertility. But also, she decided to be grateful. YOU GUYS, SHE WAS GRATEFUL (ish) FOR NOT HAVING A BABY?!
So, I showed Chris and he said, “Very interesting and well-written,” or something to that extent. Not really a resounding yes-let’s-jump-on-the-grateful-train. So, yeah. I thought about it for two or three days. I read more of her posts about barrenness and trying to conceive (here, here, and here). Some of my reasons are vain, just like hers (read her post, you’ll get it) and others are honest and others are just plain funny. Before I list them, please hear me. I am NOT happy that we don’t have a baby. However, I’m trying *really* hard to trust that there is a bigger plan we don’t know about yet and to find reasons to be happy because being sad/bitter won’t get us anywhere. WE WOULD RATHER HAVE THE BABY THAN BE HAPPY ABOUT ANY OF THESE THINGS. Just to be clear.
So, I did what I do best and made a list.
I know you can see the first few from the picture, but here’s the comprehensive [for now] list:
1. I can paint without a mask. (I mean, I have a lot on our to-do list this summer.)
2. We have time to pay off debt (without worrying about a college fund, am I right?!)
3. We have time to get in shape. I won’t miss *this* pre-baby body. I do hope that one day soon I’ll have a pre-baby body to miss once I’ve carried a baby (or 4).
4. We have time to figure out where we’re supposed to be. Are we supposed to move? Is Chris supposed to get a different job? Am I supposed to teach forever? Like, where are we physically supposed to be?
5. We aren’t worried about being able to afford a baby. Like, sometimes we have to stretch to buy cat food at the end of the month. Can’t do THAT with a baby.
6. We have time with our roommate. He moves soon, but it’s been really awesome to just get to hang out and not have to push him out because we’re pushing out a baby.
7. No physical restrictions. If I want to pick up T25 and start a workout, I can.
8. No travel restrictions. We have some travel plans for the next few months and it’s nice to not *have* to worry.
9. Saving money by not buying birth control. That jank is expensive.
10. We’ve gotten ahead on the student loan. SO far ahead. Hoping to pay it off completely pre-baby.
11. We have time to finish our bedroom makeover. Yes, I know it was like, January when I started this. GET OFF MY BACK. 😉
12. We have time to clean our house. Chris said, “get our act together…like, actually clean it and it *stay* clean.” I can’t even take pictures. It’s too embarrassing.
13. We have had SUCH good time to be married alone. Sometimes we make me sick because we’re so happy. I will miss that one-on-one time even when we are EVEN happier with a baby (or 4).
14. Growing closer in the struggle. We just ARE.
15. We will definitely not take a baby for granted…or sickness…or labor pains…or midnight feedings…even when they aren’t fun.
16. Truly understanding the human body/reproductive systems. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY WOMEN CAN’T ID THEIR PARTS?! And don’t get me STARTED on men understanding ladyparts. It’s just…yeah. I’m glad I understand the mystery that is the creation of the human body.
17. I pray more. Not enough, but more.
18. Freedom to sleep whenever I want. Anyone who knows me personally knows this is a legit word of thanks. I love to sleep.
19. I only wipe my own poop.
20. No schedule restrictions. We can go where we want, when we want.
21. I’m still my grandparents’ favorite girl. Sorry, Sissy. My nickname has been “Pa’s Girl” for my whole life and I know a baby will demolish that, ESPECIALLY if it’s a girl.
22. No annoying kid shows on our TV…except when I turn the TV off after Friends reruns and it’s Nickelodeon the next morning. And Girl Meets World is NOT an annoying kids’ show and I watched it tonight. So there.
23. All the adult-appropriate TV I want. Bring on The Bachelorette and Grey’s Anatomy!
24. No struggle to keep a tiny human alive/worry I will mess up someone else.
25. Brunch. Yes. All the brunches we want.
26. Very little vomit in our house. I’m not really a puker.
27. (per my girl, Charlotte) I still have nice boobs. Breastfeeding takes a toll, ya know.
28. I don’t have to watch my mouth…but I should. I mean, I don’t say bad things at work in front of kids, but at home I have less impulse control.
29. I can pee/poop alone.
30. No risk of using baby talk in conversation.
31. Watching the morning news. Chris really likes Good Morning America. I like sleep (see #18).
32. Finishing hot coffee (also for Chris).
33. Only cooking/preparing one meal per night (also for Chris).
34. Not overrun with kids’ stuff…a.k.a. the ability to de-clutter our house whenever we want. Now, if only we WOULD de-clutter our house.
35. I only pick my own boogers. Sometimes you can’t blow the big ones out, guys. Be real.
36. Books. Whenever. For however long.
37. Time to upload pictures. I don’t, but I should.
38. Time with the youth group. It would be hard to go to camp with a baby (but I would try, AM!)
39. Time with my special kids from work. It would also be hard to bring them to/from church or do stuff together outside of school with my own kids, too.
40. Good environmental footprint. Charlotte assures me I will destroy it with kids.
(Stick with me- you’ve come so far!)
41. No tiny toy parts to step on. Chris added “or tiny humans” after he almost tripped over the cat.
42. Speaking of cats, time for pets. My cats will be so jealous of a baby.
43. Getting to meet/love my students. I’d rather not work when we have kids so I’m grateful for all the time I get to form relationships with kids. I never know when it may be my last class of kids.
44. My ladyparts are still ladylike. I know that childbirth is a doozie.
45. I weigh less than 150 lbs. I’d like that margin to be greater, see #3.
46. God may be protecting us from loss and/or something we (I) can’t handle, physically or emotionally.
47. Time to love on my friends’ kids. My BFF just had her second baby and I think her kids are the cutest. My other bestie has two older kids that we get to hang out with and it would be harder if we had one of our own. However, it will be *perfect* when my girl, Payton can babysit my kids. 🙂
48. No need to babyproof. Our house is decidedly un-babyproofed.
49. Less stress when taking TAG classes. TAG (Talented & Gifted) is a certificate added to my teaching license. I’m trying to be certified and it would be hard to stay up even later doing classwork, have to wake up with a baby, AND go to work…or to have morning sickness and homework.
LAST ONE! GOOD JOB!
50. We don’t know what God may have in store for us that we may not understand yet. So we’re grateful for time to really listen for “the plan” and figure out what God wants us to be doing and who God wants us to be before he gives us a precious little life to care for.
OK- so it’s not all sunshine and roses and some reasons are vain and some are dumb and I WOULD GLADLY TRADE THEM ALL FOR A BABY. But, it makes me feel better. Maybe if you’re a reader who is dealing with this, you can identify with some of these reasons. If you’re already a mom, comment and let me know some other things I might be missing that I don’t even know about yet. 🙂
As always, thanks for reading/supporting/following our journey. 🙂